Spirituality is a controversial topic in general, but a particularly heated topic for newly recovering addicts. If I am a believer it’s a non-issue. If I’m not a believer it can make or break my future. Do I need to see to believe or do I believe to see?
The question: If I don’t comprehend its workings can I use it? I comprehend that the clothes dryer will dry my wet clothes, but only if connected to a power source. Do I disassemble the dryer, study the process of electricity? No, I simply throw in the clothes and hit start.
So, what does this have to do with sobriety?
We get hung up on proving the existence of a Higher Power, God, Source, Creator, or Spirit. We get hung up on believing in and trusting an entity we can’t see with our eyes. So we abandon the idea that we can lean on this entity as a worthwhile and sustainable resource.
To say that nothing is greater than me implies that I created it all. Which, to put politely, is rubbish. Even co-creation implies I am part of the collective whole. The collective is greater than any one part.
So what’s the hang-up?
We reject that which we cannot see. We find it folly to ask an unrecognized entity for concrete a solution. After all, at some point we all prayed to this invisible entity and it never showed up and rescued us. Why would it now? We speculate that it mustn’t be real, that it is the way of weaker humans. We decide not to get caught up in ideas that aren’t proven.
We want proof if we are to step into this type of relationship. We want a guarantee of the outcome. Until such time, we will stick with non-belief and our best efforts at gaining normalcy.
My ‘normal’ wasn’t working. It wasn’t even close to working. Despite my repeated attempts at sobriety, I had failed. The more I tried to hide the deeper my denial of my problem. What seemed ludicrous at age 25 (Who does that?) became completely acceptable at age 35 (Doesn’t everybody?).
It wasn’t until I could no longer bear the pain of my choices that I became willing to see there must be another way. There had to be. I was dying a slow and painful death. And while I died my family suffered with me.
All of this because I refused to believe there was something out there that loved me and wanted the best for me. All of this because I wouldn’t lean into the unseen and incalculable concept of a god. I chose to do it my way. I had to prove I could drink like you. When I stopped trying to drink normal, I arrogantly tried to stay out of your way and demand that my behavior not bother you.
That didn’t work either.
How did people do it? …
I am doing well. I am living a sober and full life. I found something greater than myself to lean on. I just took that leap of faith. Not because I trusted it, but because I no longer trusted me.
Don’t be afraid to change. Be afraid to stay the same.
Don’t be afraid to trust. Be afraid not to.
After all, truth isn’t predicated on my understanding it.
Truth just is.
***
